As hopeless and low as I'm feeling right now, I have no intention to turning to my credit cards or wanton spending to cheer myself, or exorbitant eating out, b/c the 2 months of denial has not only gotten me way deeper in debt, I've also gained so much weight, the goddamn clothes I spent a fortune on don't fit. On a happier note, I also spent the last week of November returning stuff like mad and tried to keep the frame of mind that, if I didn't wear it, can't describe it, I won't miss it and I actually don't. Well I do miss one jacket that was really cute, but I'm glad it's gone.

In the bit of down time I do have, when I'm not napping between jobs, I've taken to walkign w/a notebook and just putting my overall plans to paper while they are fresh in my head. Also, when I got around to opening email to this account, I have some good things on the horizon, so while I could kick myself for being out of comission, I do have some things in the works.

Being that I have to get up in a few hours for the main 9-5, the following paragraphs will be really random.

********

To sum up how I'm working. I do the M-F 9-5. Thurs to Sat, I do 5-midnight & Sun 8am to 3 @ Job #2, a retail gig. The last few weeks I've averaged about 20 hours working 3 of the 4 days. There is a chance as we get closer to Xmas, I may max out @ the entire 4, I don't even want to know how many hours that is. Then Sun to Wed I work 5-10:15 @ Job #3, more food related, you can say I'm an order taker/preparer, but I never touch food ;) It's not fast food, it's actually an online food biz and I process orders. I like it most b/c the hours, on a good night I'm by 10:15, 10:30 the latest, which give me plenty of time to unwind and get to bed @ a decent hour and even watch an hour or so of a Netflix movie.

It's a strenous job, on my feet the entire shift, no formal break, I eat when it's slow and it can get hectic like tonight. I was told we processed, faxed/called in about 100 order in a little over an hour.

So that's my week, w/that job I work about 24 hours and what I like is my shift is my shift. W/job #2 the hours vary, not exactly set schedule and w/so many other people, or shall I say slacker, I'm always frustrated that people just won't do their job. On the plus, b/c I worked @ that store before and w/that company even before that, I got more than the usual "seasonal starting wage", I got my old rate.

The down is that I also spent a LOT of time and money shopping in the early days, I've been there over a month now, just got my 3rd check. But like I said earlier, I returned so much stuff it's not even funny. Put it like this, @ one point in November, my rewards card w/the store had me @ over 2k in points, I was pretty close to my limit as well. By last week, w/o even making a single payment, my points were down to $200 and I owed about $25. I almost made it a game of all the things I could return, a way to cheer myself up so I wouldn't feel so deprived I guess.

Now Job #3 has it's own perks, we have an "account" and can basically order whatever we want, @ a discount, but it comes out our check. I just told the mgr today, I've got to stop snacking so much, I mostly do b/c I don't get a break and spend 5 hours discussing all sorts of food in varying kinds, from sushi to mexican to steak and dammned loaded potatoes, I just break down.

Plus @ the house of remodeling hell, we still have no kitchen so I eat on the run when I can, and the mini fridge has been full w/o any of my own stuff. The ordering in will also change this week.

********

How long can I keep this up? What about school?

Well I still haven't heard back yay or nay from the school I applied to, they keep aps open for a year so even if it's late Spring/Summer vs. the start of '08, I'll be happy. Actually I plan to use that Sat AM/Afternoon I have free to take @ least one class and / or go online.

Given the choice, as crazy hectic as it is, I do like the variety. I hate retail more, it's just such a burned out beast, but 4 days @ one place, gives me enough time away my first day back I have a vague memory of the place, plus holiday time makes the night go quick and after Xmas, we go back to the sane closing time of 9pm, being out by 11pm, home by 11:30.

Job #3 pays crap, but after I've been there 30 days, they see my work ethic yada yada, I'm going to press for more money. Will I be wiling to walk away if not? I might.

The one thing I haven't done is mixed my monies. Job #2 goes to a diff't checking account and #3, until direct deposit kicks in, haven't even been cashed yet, but will also go that that checking account.

The other cool perk, I guess, is that I get paid every week. Actually, that' really is the saving grace. Job #2 is every other Wed, Job #3 is ever other Friday. But like I mentioned earlier, I am so freaking busy, I see the money in the acct, but haven't had time to start up my next debt snowball.

Back to school though. over the weekend I caught the documentary Maxed Out and one of the segments had a woman call Dave Ramsey and in debt he made a comment like, get a (nother) job, forget about school for now and pay off that bill.

Realistically I am not going to put off going back to school till all my debt is paid off b/c I'll be a li'l ole lady by that point, or not. But I am willing to push back my start date b/c 1) after the holidays, Job #2's hours will cut back, even if they keep me on and make me officially part time and while I'm running on adrenaline now and am hopped up on coca cola and iced coffees, @ some point I will be on fumes and I may just use the entire month of Jan to hibernate and catch up on sleep.

********

The ultimate irony of course, is that up till I started the 2 gigs, I had a pretty sizeable chunk o' change from online and for some odd reason that has gone done considerably. Matter of fact, when I get my energy and wits about me, I'm going to check to see if the extra money I make p/t is the same I'd been making online, wouldn't that be a lovely kick in the tuckus?

********

As far as my debt, tonight I got all my credit cards and bank accounts, except for wachovia, balanced and current. There are new minimum payments to be made, and by new I mean WAY MORE, so I'll have to figure that out again, my primary goal for working these two jobs was to net an extra $500/mo to pay off my debt. My main checking account from my 9-5 goes to pay my expenses as normal and my 2nd checking account gets all the deposits and the first of the following month, I make a $500 GET OUT OF DEBT payment to the first victim of my debt snowball. @ this point I don't even know who gets it, so the money is still in my account.

What if I make more than I planned? as I did last month? I dunno yet, I'm tempted to let it sit there to cover the month I may be short a bit, but I really don't know just yet.

********

Taxes, that too is holding me back. As of sometime last week, or maybe the week before, my fed taxes are PAID IN FULL and I HATE to think how much extra I paid both in fees and penalties for dragging it out so long and in futre interest for putting it on my credit card, but I just couldn't take the letters and while my EA was going to present me as an "uncollectible" I just wanted the drama over.

NOw the state taxes are still pending, we got that return out last Friday, he said it'll take about 30 days for me to get current in the system and he can see what I owe. So another kick, this time in the teeth is, say I pay off one of my credit cards, I may very well have to put all that tax debt back on it, but I'll worry about that stress when it hits.

********

So this weekend I was tempted to call out. I worked Fri till midnite, was actually off Thurs afternoon which I now cherish my days off, I just want to veg and actually enjoy my room and my cats, I got a new kitten last month. I went in @ 7-midnight Sat, after I spent the first 1/2 of the day actually putting up curtains and rearranging the room so I could actually get to the computer easily, hence me posting twice in day and reading email.

And Saturday AM/Afternoon is truly the only day I don't officially work a "double" Thursday was an unscheduled day, but again as we get close to Xmas, and I volunteer for more shifts, I could very well work all week.

And the store was a huge mess on Saturday, I'd love to rant about how customers tear up retail stores and whatnot, but why bother. So we worked our tails off, and by we and really mean this other girl I really like that works hard, we teamed up and both of us closed out 4 shops. I got home @ midnight, keyed up, talked to my mom for a bit, I think I watched a movie then tossed and turned till 2, b/c I had to be back @ work for 8 AM and work Job #3 later.

Oh how tempted I was to call in sick, I laid there and figured what'll I really make, when is my next day off, I really want to finish my room, do some laundry, go grocery shopping so I can stop eating out, update my blgos, sell some stuff online, read my email, freaking sleep, but part of my was like, you are almost 50k in debt (this was before balancing MS Money) you spent money like you were a socialite, you've been eating out every day, and the hard truth is, I am in no position to take the day off.

Don't get me wrong, I won't work myself till i drop, @ least I hope not, which is why I hate telling people offline my jobs, they start gasping and making all these negative remarks whereas right now I am super focused and need supportive, get it done feed back. But anyway I just felt like I did before, in a few weeks, I wont remember how much the day hurt, especially when I get the check, the last check from Job #2 was a little over $300 and I am pretty sure I bitched and moaned and someone pissed me off but seeing that money for the least hours I worked did my heart good.

And the next two week si the only time I can make the hours I make, in January on, I'll be lucky if I get 2 shifts/10 hours a week and even w/that I can make about $250/mo and pull the other 1/2 of my $500 goal from Job #3 and have more days off to boot.

So I guess all that to say, I can sleep in January.

********

This may be the last point/update/stream of thought, It's funny, when I drive in, I see the lotto sign climbing each week, over 100 mil and as much as I wish I could just win it, but am too lazy to make it into a gas station and buy a ticket, part of working so much is just my way, like if I had that much dough, for sure all my debts would vanish, but what would I do w/my day, what would my purpose be? I guess I've spent so much of my adult/working life in debt, paying debt, dealing w/debt, it's just who I am. Right now I am working to pay it off and perhaps, just perhaps, I got too close, I sabatoged myself, so I'd have something to "do" w/myself and now I work as much to keep busy, as a punishment too if truth be told, but also b/c it just feels right, in some twisted way.

I don't want to do it, I pretty much hate doing it, I've resigned myself to doing it, yet, I feel I can't not do it either. It's weird, I'll keep thinking it throught, but now it's quarter after 2 and I hope the mocha frap has finally worn off.