- Numbers don't lie, finally did a budget and um, yikes! - Lean months are coming - Going back to school?? - Taking a step back to see what I have accomplished so far

Tackling the remaining topics I left dangling

1. Numbers don't lie, finally did a budget and um, yikes.

After getting up the nerve to see why my cc balance was moving so slow, I got up even more nerve to look @ my spending. Having reached a key point in the year, the first quarter, I had 4 full months of statements to tally. It was painful, it was shameful and more than the final amount of debt I owed, 2 months since doing it, I can say it has been the most significant thing to have turned me around for the better.

See, I always had a vague idea of what I was spending but didn't realize how obscenely above my means I was living. The allure of plastic kept me in denial and in the dark. I mean I could be in the negative dollar wise, but so long as my card had room, still manage to charge up a couple hundred dollars in clothes and shoes.

Did I mention shame?

I did it all in an Excel spreadsheet making a category for each expense. Then I made a new sheet w/my income from job #1 only and all the expenses. I was in the red and bleeding badly. I trimmed all the "non essentials" still in the red. How the hell was I doing this? Two words, credit cards. I was using the paid off ones and paying them in full, leaving myself w/less overall money.

At that point, I took out every single credit card out of my wallet and put them in a drawer. As of this today, I only walk w/2 pieces of plastic. My debit card and my rewards card for gasoline purchases only.

I kept trimming and trimming and if I cut out ALL non essentials and budget my food, I could make it. I won't be happy, but I'd make it. The final step was to see how much I net from job #2 on average. While I never wanted to be financially dependent on it, I came to a happy medium.

In my current budget, I have enough to pay the minimums on my debt. That allowed me to shift Target card payment to job#2 and use the "extra" $265 to pay off the smaller debts. Whatever extra I net from job# will also go towards it and this serves 2 purposes.

It gives me a bit of breathing room in my monthly budget, yet if something happens to my hours @ job#2, the main job will still cover me and that'll just be a "lean month". When hours are plentiful, I'll pay off the smaller debts that much sooner and have even more money to pay down the Target card.

Which brings me to...

2. Lean months are coming

Oh how I kvetched when the reality of my situation kicked in. It wasn't fair! How can I live like this? The horror the horror. But as wounded as I felt, I also felt a bit of relief and dare I say, control. For the first time in like ever, I knew, raw #'s knew, what brought in each month and what went out.

It's been a little over 2 months since I decided to take better control. This debt pay down journey has been a long time coming, hard sloughing, and I still have a ways to go to get to where I want to be. I can't say that I'm on a budget or spending plan or whatever. I can't say I'll go bare minimum on money I can control like food. But I can say I have stopped the bleeding by not using cc's only to pay it in full @ months end and I am more aware of what I have allotted to each expense.

The last Excel sheet I created was to trim down my expenses to the most necessary, there is still room to cut, and each month I plug in what I have and the numbers in little box @ the top tell me if I am ok, by staying black, or showing up in red, meaning I am overspending. I have also taken to posting my debt in advance in MS money so even when my online acct says I have a few hundred, I tend to remember the amount MS money projects me to have till I get paid again.

3.Going back to school??

Uh. Yes. I took the plunge and applied and now have to finish my song and dance routine to get in. Long story short, if I go back now, I *may* get a job in my chosen field or internship or something that I can use while in school vs. waiting to pay off all my debt and try to go back later. I am going to do community college route first, to get all major and minor course out of the way for cheaper, then get my BA at the 4 year school.

The biggest part is, I'm paying as I go. Even if it means taking 1 or 2 classes each semester till my finances and employment situation changes, so be it.

4. Taking a step back to see what I have accomplished so far...

I started to write about this b/c I was getting depressed by the enormity of my situation and realized I needed to take a step back to really grasp @ where I am. I was going to do it every quarter, but when I got out the spending pattern and the lean months wrapped around my brain, I started trying to pick up as many extra shifts as possible @ job#2, which explains the times I don't post as much here.

Now it'll be a mid way report and I'll try to pick it up again in 3 months and from then on out, do it quarterly.

This last clifhanger will be addressed @ the end of the month.

I remembered why I initially lumped all debts in one, ie ga taxes + existing cc debt, b/c i needed the mental boost of paying off the smallest debt. the way i redid it last night, on a whim by the way, i'll virtually pay off the cc's but for many more months will still have a card i'm paying on since that is where the tax debt is.

i redid the graph from yesterday and went back to all deb lowest to smallest and in my cheat sheet debt tracker in the far right, i note the 2 cc's that are also carrying my tax debt.

speaking of taxes...oy

i am so mentally tired and drained. i was going to go into job #2 tonight and get some extra hours, i was going to update the blog w/outstanding cliff hangers, but by lunch time my brain was fried from dealing w/ga dor and the irs. the entire situation is such a mess and i'm starting to feel like i'm being bullied around.

my main gripe is being charged a collection fee for an account that i was actively paying and one of the ga reps was like why is this unfair, all condescending and sarcastic, you didn't file your taxes blah blah blah and i'm like look lady, see those penalties and fees and fines, I'VE PAID FOR THAT MISTAKE, do you not see that and by the way, i'm not disputing that, and on and on it went as i called dept after dept after dept till i just hung up in frustraton b/c they all basically told me, sorry nothing we can do.

then i call irs to get a letter saying things are current, only to find out i was owed a refund, but by the way, they gave the state the money already and the amount they say they gae the state is way diff't from the amt the state says they took and i owed, by this point, i was in tears and just wanted to curl up in a ball.

so i came home and just went ot bed for a few hours, w/a banging tension headache that no amount of aspirin or ibuprofen is curing. today just sucked big time.

the more i think about it, the more this yeargot off to such a bad start, i don't even know why i'm bothering w/this stupid debt thing, i'm starting to feel like i'll have this yoke around my neck for the rest of my life, so why get it paid off @ all?

a few years ago i worked w/a woman that said she owed thousands in student loans and her plan was to pay $50/mo for the rest of her life. maybe she was onto something.

i may go into job #2 for 5 hours tomorrow night and if so, i'll get that cliffhangers part answered when i get home.

53k in debt and I'm about to turn in my 2 week notice to Job #3 tomorrrow....why??

In many many many ways, it's just not worth it. While the take home pay is decent about $200 or bi weekly or $400-$450/mo, the actual job is greuling and the work enviroment is quite toxic. The point of taking on extra work is so that I can pretty much go in, do my work and not have to deal w/additional office drama and politics and not to overtax myself physically and mentally that it hurts my 9-5.

Job #3 hurts in both fronts, but I could've tolertated it a bit longer, say till summer or so if they were willing to give me more money, I am SEVERELY underpaid and not just saying that b/c everyone feels they are worth more than paid, for what the job described itself to be and what the actual work is, plus the additional skills I bring and the ever increasing added responsibility which really means, do the managers job, I feel is worth more than $4.90 and hour. Oh and did I mention no breaks and you stand for the duration of the shift which starting today is 8 hours on a Sunday, 5 hours during the week. All in all, it's safe to say the work/life balance is too out of whack adn I just don't fit in.

So early last week I sent the HR manager an email requesting more money, for over a month now I've been trying to get a sit down face to face and it's been hard. In the mail I listed all I've brought in terms of skill and ideas that not only saved them cold hard money, but were time savers that also increased productivity. I expressed my eagerness to continue contributing and noted that similar jobs pay upwards of $10/hour and I felt that'd be a fairer compensation. To clarify, the actual pay is $7/hour but I go by after tax money for accuracy and @ $10/hour it'd be closer to $7/hour and based on what they've seen me do in the last 2 months, am I worth and extra $15/a day.

Her answer?

Thanks for your hardwork, your concerns will be addressed in your 90 day performance review.

Mind you this is a small company, HR is one person, there are 2 owners, so I don't buy the BS standard form letter. If they intended to pay me more after stating my intention to stay & willingness to do more, what difference does 6 weeks make? Or why not have a face to face w/me now? What the HR manager did was the day after I sent the email, stopped by the job, it was her day off. She said she got my email but wanted to enjoy her day off so she'll see me the next day. Just her phrasing of it sounded off, but I dismissed it and said fine.

The next day, the second I walked thru the front door, I heard the back door slam and when I got on to check my email saw her reply. She ran from me. All of that just strikes me as shady. So i wrote her to see whne she'd be in again, she hems and haws and when I finally pin her down to saying she'll be in when I am, she asks me why what's up? so I didn't even reply.

And this is the too much drama I mean. I just want to go in to a job 20 hours a week, be able to turn off the part of my brain that does my 9-5 and just get my work done and go home. This is just a tip of the drama @ the job and it almost feels like the better I work, the harder I work the fact that I don't complain, makes them even madder.

It's crazy, I can't explain it properly and to be honest, I'm so over it.

Reading Suze's new book gave me the courage to quit. And going online and finding comporable jobs that pay $10-12 and hour gave me the motivation to type up my letter of resignation the same day I requested more money. I realized then I had options and it'll only be a matter of time before the ideal job situation manifests itself to me. In th meantime, I'll use the next 2 weeks to finish up working there and banking all the extra money I can.

In 2 weeks, I am also going to cut Job #2 back to a Sat/Sun gig b/c most p/t evening jobs are M-F. During the final 2 weeks I'll keep hunting for another job, I actually applied for one on Friday and am waiting to hear back from them.

So that's pretty much it. A tiny part of me wonders if I'm crazy "giving up" a job when I'm so racked w/debt and people are looking for work and why not just suck it up and do what I have to do.

I guess, the bigger part of me feels, I know who I am. I know how I work, what I contribute, what I bring and what I am worth. I may not always get 100% of what I want but in 9-5 and Job #2, I'm pretty close and am happy. It's not worth it for me to invest so much time and energy when I can make more elsewhere and while I may not make progress taking off time to find another job, I believe the time I take will pay for itself before long. Besides, me working somewhere that is clearly not a good fit, is only keeping back a job from someone else who may want to work there and work out better for them in the long run.

Ok, got everything current as far as stats and charts, once a month on the 8th, the chart in the far right will be updated. I'll also post a monthly recap that'll break out the debt by who I owe what too. I'm thinking of doing a weekly income/outgoing recap, but even that can be done monthly, I'll see what time permits. I also made minor tweaks to the logo and title of the site. One other thing I'll incorporate since I have a firm pay off date in mind, 1/1/13, each month I need to post a where I'm at, how far I need to go sort of post. On a grand scale my debt pay off breaks down like this:

To pay off 53121.83 in 5 years, or 60 months, I need to pay out @ least 885.37/mo (not factoring interest charges) on average, but each year I must reduce my debt by 10.5k a year. So my goal in year one is to reduce my overall debt and owe 42497.39 by 12/31/08.

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A bit off topic, don't feel like writing up another post. What prompted me to finally update my states was the arrival of my state tax bill, a total of $1463.09 and it looks like they freaking want a check, yea, I'll get right on that *sigh*

I'll give them a call before the week is out, if I don't pay the 4 notices by the 15th, penalties will be assessed.

Truth be told, I'm glad this saga is over, though I'm dreading like hell 4/15, I guess I'll also wrap things up w/my EA this week and pray to the debt be gone gods he'll have mercy on me and just end up billing me the retainer for the last few weeks of work.

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I also went back to my full disclosure cc post and added paypal buyers credit. Must be b/c I don't have a physical card, I completely blocked out I had it. But it's been added. I'll do a full disclosure on my loans and taxes in the next few posts...

To be 100% DEBT FREE by January 1st 2013.

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New year, new start and all that good stuff. I spent this week doing the hard work and by hard I mean taking pen to paper and reflecting on my finances for the last 3 months. There is no easy way to say this but, I blew it. Big time. I let my spending get out of control and deluding myself into paying off credit cards in full each month only caused me to spend more. I fell into a funk, other factors involved and just ignored my money problems and whipped out whatever card I could find first. I ended up having 3 ISFs to wachovia, due to not caring missing a due date and slapped w/a late fee and misc bank fees for ATMs usage not @ my home bank.

I've kicked my on ass so many times I'm now wearing it in front of me.

So now what?

First thing I did was get 4 books on money and debt @ various stages. Due to wachovia only seeing fit to refund me $51 of the $101, despite the fact in the 11+ years I have had the account, formerly w/SouthTrust, I did not have ISFs, I have decided to take my business elsewhere, ING Direct. The added benefit is that they pay me interest and offer me free overdraft protection, just in case.

I've been reading the first book, not quite following it to a tee, I'm too chicken shit to see my credit report right now, but I get mobilized.

Thursday, my first evening off in almost 2 full months, I printed all my statements from the last 3 months, banking and credit, and before I got online and aloofly plugged them into MS Money, I got a out my notebook, gave each category a page and plugged in my spending patterns. It was sobering and humbling.

It took me about a day to absorb, truly absorb how much I bring home, not including Jobs # 2 & 3, and how much I spend and to really see how I've been financing my lifestyle w/credit.

Then I took the categories and broke them out into 4 blocks. First bills, the ones I must pay or else, basically food, shelter, utilities, car and my loans and taxes.

Then secondary then third then 4th. When I broke out my spending and what I take in, I barely have enough money to cover my First bills, I have no idea how I managed to spend so much on secondary thru fourth-ary, expenses, yet I did. And that made me ashamed and queasy.

Today, my first full afternoon off in almost 2 months, I don't head into work till 7, I cleaned my room, cleaned out my purse, took all the credit cards out of my wallet and put them up, threw away the overtaxed wallet that is freakishly loose with only 2 bankcards and my DL and finally came online to update my wachovia acct, which hadn't been balanced since the end of Oct I think.

Now all my accounts are current and bills are paid. In the last week I also got a plain monthly calendar, for me to note when which bill is due, I plug them in 3 days early, since working so much I don't have much leisure time and ended up paying my capital one visa the day after it was due. When I went into wachovia to ask for a courtesy refund, I also got a blank check register to log my spending, which'll be used for my ING account, and I got a notebook to jot down my financial plans, like which bank account will be my emergency fund savings and which will be my long term.

I still don't feel good about my situation, I know I've taken steps in the right direction and can't change the past, but I still feel foolish about doing so good for the last year and now this. Then again, I was in denial about my tax bill for so long, I was only sorta doing goods so perhaps this is for the best.

As I stated in my first line of the year, I resolve to be 100% debt free in 5 years or less. In my head I think I'm about 50k in debt, including taxes, still havne't gotten the state ones back so it's a guesstimate. My financial goal is to pay off 10k in debt each year, divide by 12 you get the monthly amount, but I'll let that stay fluid since some months I'll be able to pay more and others I'll pay less.

I committ to putting @ least $500/mo to my current debt, as I pay the minimum on the rest and if I make over $500 that month, all excess will go towards it till it's paid in full and I roll over it's minimum payment + $500 to the next smallest debt and so on and so on the snowball goes.

More later this week, I want to catch 40 winks before I head out to work.

I should've known better than to balance my finances right before bed. My mind is reeling. I avoided even looking @ my money from about the end of Oct till today and totally up all I spent, on what I spent has me feeling so queasy, so embarrased, so dejected. I am tired, but not even sleepy.

I half caught myself thinking I should've went into Job #2 and worked the over night shift from 11pm to 6am after all and it hits me, the desire to call out sick today, from both jobs, I am in no position to do that right now or any time soon. The grueling nature of both jobs, the tiny amount of pay, the extreme hours, I can't even bring myself to count, I think I'll faint @ the reality, I am so screwed right now, if I wasn't so weary, I'd likely be crying.

As hopeless and low as I'm feeling right now, I have no intention to turning to my credit cards or wanton spending to cheer myself, or exorbitant eating out, b/c the 2 months of denial has not only gotten me way deeper in debt, I've also gained so much weight, the goddamn clothes I spent a fortune on don't fit. On a happier note, I also spent the last week of November returning stuff like mad and tried to keep the frame of mind that, if I didn't wear it, can't describe it, I won't miss it and I actually don't. Well I do miss one jacket that was really cute, but I'm glad it's gone.

In the bit of down time I do have, when I'm not napping between jobs, I've taken to walkign w/a notebook and just putting my overall plans to paper while they are fresh in my head. Also, when I got around to opening email to this account, I have some good things on the horizon, so while I could kick myself for being out of comission, I do have some things in the works.

Being that I have to get up in a few hours for the main 9-5, the following paragraphs will be really random.

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To sum up how I'm working. I do the M-F 9-5. Thurs to Sat, I do 5-midnight & Sun 8am to 3 @ Job #2, a retail gig. The last few weeks I've averaged about 20 hours working 3 of the 4 days. There is a chance as we get closer to Xmas, I may max out @ the entire 4, I don't even want to know how many hours that is. Then Sun to Wed I work 5-10:15 @ Job #3, more food related, you can say I'm an order taker/preparer, but I never touch food ;) It's not fast food, it's actually an online food biz and I process orders. I like it most b/c the hours, on a good night I'm by 10:15, 10:30 the latest, which give me plenty of time to unwind and get to bed @ a decent hour and even watch an hour or so of a Netflix movie.

It's a strenous job, on my feet the entire shift, no formal break, I eat when it's slow and it can get hectic like tonight. I was told we processed, faxed/called in about 100 order in a little over an hour.

So that's my week, w/that job I work about 24 hours and what I like is my shift is my shift. W/job #2 the hours vary, not exactly set schedule and w/so many other people, or shall I say slacker, I'm always frustrated that people just won't do their job. On the plus, b/c I worked @ that store before and w/that company even before that, I got more than the usual "seasonal starting wage", I got my old rate.

The down is that I also spent a LOT of time and money shopping in the early days, I've been there over a month now, just got my 3rd check. But like I said earlier, I returned so much stuff it's not even funny. Put it like this, @ one point in November, my rewards card w/the store had me @ over 2k in points, I was pretty close to my limit as well. By last week, w/o even making a single payment, my points were down to $200 and I owed about $25. I almost made it a game of all the things I could return, a way to cheer myself up so I wouldn't feel so deprived I guess.

Now Job #3 has it's own perks, we have an "account" and can basically order whatever we want, @ a discount, but it comes out our check. I just told the mgr today, I've got to stop snacking so much, I mostly do b/c I don't get a break and spend 5 hours discussing all sorts of food in varying kinds, from sushi to mexican to steak and dammned loaded potatoes, I just break down.

Plus @ the house of remodeling hell, we still have no kitchen so I eat on the run when I can, and the mini fridge has been full w/o any of my own stuff. The ordering in will also change this week.

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How long can I keep this up? What about school?

Well I still haven't heard back yay or nay from the school I applied to, they keep aps open for a year so even if it's late Spring/Summer vs. the start of '08, I'll be happy. Actually I plan to use that Sat AM/Afternoon I have free to take @ least one class and / or go online.

Given the choice, as crazy hectic as it is, I do like the variety. I hate retail more, it's just such a burned out beast, but 4 days @ one place, gives me enough time away my first day back I have a vague memory of the place, plus holiday time makes the night go quick and after Xmas, we go back to the sane closing time of 9pm, being out by 11pm, home by 11:30.

Job #3 pays crap, but after I've been there 30 days, they see my work ethic yada yada, I'm going to press for more money. Will I be wiling to walk away if not? I might.

The one thing I haven't done is mixed my monies. Job #2 goes to a diff't checking account and #3, until direct deposit kicks in, haven't even been cashed yet, but will also go that that checking account.

The other cool perk, I guess, is that I get paid every week. Actually, that' really is the saving grace. Job #2 is every other Wed, Job #3 is ever other Friday. But like I mentioned earlier, I am so freaking busy, I see the money in the acct, but haven't had time to start up my next debt snowball.

Back to school though. over the weekend I caught the documentary Maxed Out and one of the segments had a woman call Dave Ramsey and in debt he made a comment like, get a (nother) job, forget about school for now and pay off that bill.

Realistically I am not going to put off going back to school till all my debt is paid off b/c I'll be a li'l ole lady by that point, or not. But I am willing to push back my start date b/c 1) after the holidays, Job #2's hours will cut back, even if they keep me on and make me officially part time and while I'm running on adrenaline now and am hopped up on coca cola and iced coffees, @ some point I will be on fumes and I may just use the entire month of Jan to hibernate and catch up on sleep.

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The ultimate irony of course, is that up till I started the 2 gigs, I had a pretty sizeable chunk o' change from online and for some odd reason that has gone done considerably. Matter of fact, when I get my energy and wits about me, I'm going to check to see if the extra money I make p/t is the same I'd been making online, wouldn't that be a lovely kick in the tuckus?

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As far as my debt, tonight I got all my credit cards and bank accounts, except for wachovia, balanced and current. There are new minimum payments to be made, and by new I mean WAY MORE, so I'll have to figure that out again, my primary goal for working these two jobs was to net an extra $500/mo to pay off my debt. My main checking account from my 9-5 goes to pay my expenses as normal and my 2nd checking account gets all the deposits and the first of the following month, I make a $500 GET OUT OF DEBT payment to the first victim of my debt snowball. @ this point I don't even know who gets it, so the money is still in my account.

What if I make more than I planned? as I did last month? I dunno yet, I'm tempted to let it sit there to cover the month I may be short a bit, but I really don't know just yet.

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Taxes, that too is holding me back. As of sometime last week, or maybe the week before, my fed taxes are PAID IN FULL and I HATE to think how much extra I paid both in fees and penalties for dragging it out so long and in futre interest for putting it on my credit card, but I just couldn't take the letters and while my EA was going to present me as an "uncollectible" I just wanted the drama over.

NOw the state taxes are still pending, we got that return out last Friday, he said it'll take about 30 days for me to get current in the system and he can see what I owe. So another kick, this time in the teeth is, say I pay off one of my credit cards, I may very well have to put all that tax debt back on it, but I'll worry about that stress when it hits.

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So this weekend I was tempted to call out. I worked Fri till midnite, was actually off Thurs afternoon which I now cherish my days off, I just want to veg and actually enjoy my room and my cats, I got a new kitten last month. I went in @ 7-midnight Sat, after I spent the first 1/2 of the day actually putting up curtains and rearranging the room so I could actually get to the computer easily, hence me posting twice in day and reading email.

And Saturday AM/Afternoon is truly the only day I don't officially work a "double" Thursday was an unscheduled day, but again as we get close to Xmas, and I volunteer for more shifts, I could very well work all week.

And the store was a huge mess on Saturday, I'd love to rant about how customers tear up retail stores and whatnot, but why bother. So we worked our tails off, and by we and really mean this other girl I really like that works hard, we teamed up and both of us closed out 4 shops. I got home @ midnight, keyed up, talked to my mom for a bit, I think I watched a movie then tossed and turned till 2, b/c I had to be back @ work for 8 AM and work Job #3 later.

Oh how tempted I was to call in sick, I laid there and figured what'll I really make, when is my next day off, I really want to finish my room, do some laundry, go grocery shopping so I can stop eating out, update my blgos, sell some stuff online, read my email, freaking sleep, but part of my was like, you are almost 50k in debt (this was before balancing MS Money) you spent money like you were a socialite, you've been eating out every day, and the hard truth is, I am in no position to take the day off.

Don't get me wrong, I won't work myself till i drop, @ least I hope not, which is why I hate telling people offline my jobs, they start gasping and making all these negative remarks whereas right now I am super focused and need supportive, get it done feed back. But anyway I just felt like I did before, in a few weeks, I wont remember how much the day hurt, especially when I get the check, the last check from Job #2 was a little over $300 and I am pretty sure I bitched and moaned and someone pissed me off but seeing that money for the least hours I worked did my heart good.

And the next two week si the only time I can make the hours I make, in January on, I'll be lucky if I get 2 shifts/10 hours a week and even w/that I can make about $250/mo and pull the other 1/2 of my $500 goal from Job #3 and have more days off to boot.

So I guess all that to say, I can sleep in January.

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This may be the last point/update/stream of thought, It's funny, when I drive in, I see the lotto sign climbing each week, over 100 mil and as much as I wish I could just win it, but am too lazy to make it into a gas station and buy a ticket, part of working so much is just my way, like if I had that much dough, for sure all my debts would vanish, but what would I do w/my day, what would my purpose be? I guess I've spent so much of my adult/working life in debt, paying debt, dealing w/debt, it's just who I am. Right now I am working to pay it off and perhaps, just perhaps, I got too close, I sabatoged myself, so I'd have something to "do" w/myself and now I work as much to keep busy, as a punishment too if truth be told, but also b/c it just feels right, in some twisted way.

I don't want to do it, I pretty much hate doing it, I've resigned myself to doing it, yet, I feel I can't not do it either. It's weird, I'll keep thinking it throught, but now it's quarter after 2 and I hope the mocha frap has finally worn off.

Yesterday, after months of being in denial and avoiding the inevitable, I finally made the call to get someone to help me out w/the IRS. Can I just say, once I spoke to someone and didn't feel judged or insulted or any worse than I had been feeling over the weekend, I felt as if a dark cloud was removed from my being.

Now this isn't "free" help, but w/how bad things had gotten, plus my permanent paralysis of even trying to talk to an agent on the phone or in an office, fears of being led away in handcuffs haunted me, it's worth both the financial price and the peace @ mind price.

The first step, we did yesterday, was info gathering and authorizing them to speak on my behalf. I also got around to sending the W2s and today I hunt for some 1099's. I also contacted a few old employers to have them send that info out to me as well.

I guess now that I'm being proactive I can be more current in discussing what's going on every step of the way. What led me to this edge of cliff moment, is still to painful to get into and I need to know what the finally tally on this'll cost before I get into more details.

For now, I feel ok. I'll be back later w/news of my next big financial fitness challenge...

I was going to start this post off getting into why I've avoided updating MS Money (not to mention this site) by saying, I don't know why I constantly procrastinate doing this, but... and realized I'd be starting this post off w/a lie. I do know why. I'm freaking scared.

Scared to accept the amount of debt I'm in. Scared to accept that even though I've made great strides, I *may* be living above my means, am living paycheck to paycheck and the thought of opening some mail makes me want to puke. Scared to see how much money I've frittered away in the last 2 months under the guise of being stressed about life in general.

This month I started taking a tax course a few nights a week. That and seeing my yearly income in black and white numbers, I've had a few increases in the last few years but never kept track of how much I was really making, all made me think tonight.

Driving home from class, I realized, I'm too freaking old to be dicking around like this much longer. I'm tired of the dread. I'm tired of reacting vs. being proactive. I'm tired of being scared, feeling broke and not using control.

In class I did a quickie sketch of how much I make. How much taxes I pay. How much I'd make minus 30% and all my major bills. It doesn't look good. And perhaps that's what I'm avoiding. Deep down I HATE feeling like I can't have what I want and I know exactly where that comes from, feeling deprived as a child, and all these years, all this debt is me over compensating and it's hurting me in the pocket as well as in the heart.

Going forward, that is going to be one of my biggest changes. Growing up and being an adult about my finances. NO one else is going to do it for me. NO one else has my best interests @ heart.

So here goes. I start tonight by opening up MS Money and getting it current for the first time since 5/31/07.

A few weeks back I mentioned I was having job related stress. Today it was announced, via email, my company didn't win the bid. Last day of the contract is the 28th. I pretty much feel @#$#$@#!

Yea, this topic warranted it's own new category ::rolls eyes::

Funny how fast things change. 24 hours ago, I felt like I was on the cusp of being homeless by the end of the month, now it feels like, though things are moving extremely slowly, it may all work out after all.

I'll briefly get into why housing has been stressing me out and for the next few posts, I'll put words to my other two stresses, job & taxes. But first housing.

Ok, so I along w/my mom, have been house hunting for a few months now. About 6 weeks ago, we found one. Seemingly perfect, price/area/commute. Except it's taking forever to close. Bank is moving slowly, realtor drama, expensive for my mother to travel back and forth to complete the sale, the selling of her own house and now my current lease is set to expire.

Well, over the weekend, it seeemed like my mother was ready to walk away from the deal, except she wasn't saying it clearly enough. I had just turned in my 30 day notice to vacate and the prospect of finding and apartment, while dealing w/the other 2 stresses mind you, was just too much.

Finally I just toughened up and pulled up craigslist, found 4 potentials, all available now, in my price range, match my commute. The bad part is I'd end up paying double for rent, but it'd be worth my peace of mind. Plus I wouldn't have to cram and move at the end of the month, I'd take my time and use each weekend this month to move out.

I call my mom to give her the news, my thinknig as, if this sale doesn't go through, let's just forget it for a year, I couldn't go through the house hunting game again, to many highs and lows, I just wanted time to regroup, plus getting a bigger place than I'm @ now, will allow my mom to visit w/o staying in a hotel, for as long as she wanted.

The shortest lease I could find, that met my criteriea, was for 6 months. When I tell her, she gets mad. There's more behind the scenes to this, like her not calling the bank to check on things b/c she herself was getting disgusted w/the process.

Well, now I'm mad. So we are tensely talking back and forth, she's telling me if I get a 6 month lease, forget the house altogether, which of couse makes me feel guilty. I'm like, I don't know what to say, do you want me to live in a car for a few weeks? Any place that rents week to week is in a scuzzy part of town. Even if I went to the extended stay hotel she uses, it's $200/week. If the close and repairs last over 3 weeks, I'm screwed.

Anyway, more to the drama and since it's about resolved, it's faded, but let me get to the bottom line.

Since my current lease is really up August 15th, I'm just eager to leave and have been pumping July 30th in my head since the first large waterbug crawled across the floor last September, I'm going to approach my landlady and ask her to let me stay 2 more weeks.

The house closing is @ the end of the month, the realtor finally called and said nothng changed, which we take to me, everythign is still on track. The contractor said the work should take 2 weeks, and the major work is one week, meaning once get gets that done, which is repair roof and remove mold, I can live there while he does the other stuff.

So that leaves me feeling a little less stressed. That and finding the rentals. We also have a drop dead date, meaning if things w/the house don't work out, @ that time, I can start looking for a place. Which means I'm not paying overlapping rent. Now I will be in competition w/students looking for hosueing, my price/area of the city, but I'll worry about that stress when I get to it.

Ok, next post: job worries. (sorry for typos and grammar, I'm in no mood to edit, and in order for me to tell the story, I have to write from my heart, not head)

I'm going to make this quick, b/c I'm heading out in about 10 mins and this site's been on my mind, or my lack of being here the last month.

I'm not sure where things stand on my big debt pay off by October 3rd of this year. I've been thrown a major loop. All, and I mean ALL the monies I had squirrelled away to pay off the car is now going to pay taxes.

It really sucks. I can't even begin to describe how horrible I feel and defeated and depressed, which is why I haven't been posting. It's hard enough to deal w/debt, much less talk about it, much less PUBLICLY talk about it. @ least for me. I mean I have a blog, so I own up to even putting it out there, that's not the problem.

I mean my personality in general is to get under the covers and sulk a bit when things get rough, as I come up w/a game plan. Not all will agree w/that approach so to have to explain the thing I don't really want to talk about, while all this is going on, on top of just not wanting to deal w/anything, is what makes it rough. If that even makes sense and if it doesn't, I understand.

So a quick summary as far as debt goes. I'm current on everything, no credit card debt, I've increased payments to my Williams and Fudge loan. It was going to be $200/mo but now I can only do $150. I've also completed my 10 month loan rehab on my GRC/Sallie Mae loan and *may* be looking @ a reduction of the $318/mo I was paying, though, once I get the taxes thing sorted out, I just might leave it be.

********

On an unreleated, but related, personal front, June has been a tough month and July is going to be way worse. The three most stressful things are about to collide and I'm feeling really down about it.

1). Taxes - in about a week or so I'll have a better idea where things stand. And for fairly obvious reasons, I wont be able to get into detail about this particular history of debt.

2). Housing - my lease is up. The house we are waiting on, is up in the air. In 30 days, I have no idea where I will be living. This weekend and for the rest of next week, I'll be putting all non essentials in storage (another stress! and expense) and preparing myself to make a majorly far, hopefully temporary move, by the end of the month.

3). Job - Like I said above, June sucked. There was a majorly upsetting move and I'm still reeling from it. Everything is up in the air at this point and I'm not quite sure what direction to go in. It doesn't help having the other 2 stresses on my mind. I can't think str8 and get a good feel of what I should so, so I've been playing the wait and see game, which isn't a great idea.

Maybe in coming days/weeks, I'll break down each of the stresses in more detail, right now I can just skim the surface. That's pretty much it. While I'm dealing offline, I'm going to temporarily close comments. For one, I don't have the time to reply etc, comment spam is back, big time. But mainly b/c I can't get into too much details right now and some forms of advice, w/o knowing the entire story, just wont help me.

Plus, perhaps knowing I can just write and not having an immediate reprimand or scoff @ something I did or said, will give me a sense of freedom to just get everything out. Offline, I havne't even told those closest to me 1/2 of what's going on and truth be told, keeping it bottled up, is really hurting me.

So if nothing else, having my site be a safe haven for the next month or so will be a big help.

Looks like the chickens are coming home to roost. @ some point this week, I need to deal with the Scary Debt I never discussed in detail, just vaguely alluded to (here, here & here).

Scary Debt has thrown a monkey wrench in my plans to have paid off my car loan in full by May...hence no update...right now I need to regroup and play w/some numbers. Once I get a better handle on things, I'll post a bit of background, though for some obvious reasons I can't spell out all that happened to cause this.

I'll leave this hint of what it is...there are only two guarantees in life, death and...

Yea...that one.

:(

Earlier this week, I finally got around to balancing up all my accounts. Whenever I put it off for a few weeks, I dred doing it, but when I get it done, I feel such a hunk of relief and in more control. Not sure why I end up stalling, well yea I do know, it's when I get a bit spend happy, then I don't want to know anything.

So I'm going to make this a weekly routine. At the end of each week, either Friday evening or Saturday morning, this way I don't get carried away on the weekend, I'm going into all my accounts and settling up where I'm at.

Admittedly, I strayed a bit from the debt pay down in the last month or so. It's just hard for me sometimes. And it's a mental thing. I'm so freaking used to owing someone something, when the credit cards got paid off, I felt a bit lost. I'll get to where I need to be, but it'll take as much time for me to be out of debt, as I was in debt, to help my mentality change a bit. I hope.

I'm still on track to make my next big payoff, but when I look @ what I squandered in frivolous stuff, I could kick myself b/c I'd be that much further ahead or @ least wouldn't have to deplete everything to make it happen.

My struggle is trying not to feel deprived when I sacrifice. Easier said than done. I'm also used to doing w/o so sometimes when I get in a spendy mood, it's like something bottled up gets released and I can't make myself stop.

Now...compared to the Renee from 5 years ago, I am MUCH better. For one I either spend cash OR if I use a credit card, I pay it off in full by months end, no matter how tempting it is to let it slide for a few months.

But still, I don't want to be that person. I want even more self control and b/c I feel so deprived, it's such an ingrained feeling, I can't trust myself not to spend. I can trick myself and leave everything @ home save for $20 in cash, just in case, but that won't help either. I'll just have a mental note of all the things I wanted to buy and get them all the next time I walk w/my card.

This has all be weighing heavily on my mind and is something I want to work on now, while I'm moving to the next level of debt payoff...or else I really fear when I'm debt free, I'll go bonkers nutzo and enroll in like 10 more colleges and charge back up all my credit cards. The fear is real.

So to work on that, starting Sunday April 15th, I'm embarking on a personal financial challenge. It'll run for 30 days, then I'll take a week to reflect, then I'll "graduate" to a stricter challenge.

The first challenge will be to track my spending wants vs. needs. Every day I'll log how much I spent, on what, and whether it was something I needed (gas for the car) or wanted (a bottle of water vs. using an existing bottle and filling it up).

It'll be interesting b/c I don't feel like I spend a lot of money on frivolous things, but obviously I do. If anything, I know I spend a lot of money on food, whether it's grocery shopping or eating out.

The next challenge will be to not spend any money outside of wants.

There's no value in resenting what must be completed. Just get it done, and then there will be nothing to resent. Don't waste your time worrying that something will go wrong. Just get started, and cross each bridge as you come to it.

Stop looking for excuses and reasons to put it off until later. Focus instead on the real value that will flow from making it happen right now.

Instead of seeking to avoid effort, look for how you can put real joy into that effort. Imagine choosing to get it done and really meaning it.

Be delightfully free of the unfinished business that follows you around and holds you back. Get busy and get it done.

Add energy to your moments as you transform your burdens into blessings. Choose right now to get it done. - Ralph Marston

God, I could bold the entire text in those words of wisdom.

That said, last night I paid off the Target Card ($427) and Orchard Bank Mastercard ($692.77).

*big gulp* and I don't mean the 7/11 drink ;)

This payment is the 10% snowball monies ($236.84) + bonus monies I made in Oct/Nov, I still have to tally it all up to see if I have some more I can put towards the next credit card debt, Capital One Visa.

Starting next month, the minimums I was paying to these too expired cards, $48 + $27, will now rollover to the Visa card, for a whopping December minimum of $332.84 ($48 + $27 + $21 + $236.84)

Also coming in December, I'll start logging the bonus monies I net.

I interrupt this regularly scheduled whinefest to admit the following, at this very moment, I have the funds to pay off 1, maybe 2, credit cards. And I'm scared to death.*

I could do @ least the Target card right now, but all night I've been stalling. Why? I don't quite know. I have monies, I don't exactly count, coins a few dollars in misc savings accounts, that I mentally put towards the debt, but the act of not having any monies is what terrifies me.

@ the class I went to last month, I mentioned that to the instructor. The principle of paying down debt is if knowing you should have 3-6 months savings and still not having it, meant the piddly amount of interest was being cancelled out by the whopping interest on the credit card. Just pay it off.

But that is seriously making the back of my throat constrict and causing knots in my tummy.

Yet, I have a problem of holding onto too much for too long. Emotional baggage. Material things. Excess weight. Clutter. I bring in, but don't throw out. Buy, reluctantly return.

Years and years ago, on an Oprah show, I forget the context but the thought was, two things can not occupy the same space. I can't put 100% effort into paying off debt, if I'm also tightly holding onto 100% of my monies.

I've been in debt so long, I don't know how to function and handle not being in debt. But now I have an opportunity. Now I can carve a new path for myself, I can be scared as all get out, but still do it anyway. Right?

Another principle, and this come from Suze Orman, though I've heard it before, holding on tightly to something means your hands are closed to bigger and better opportunites. It's past due that I open up my hands.

Tale of my debt resumes tomorrow.

*Next week I'll explain how this current payoff possibility came to be.

I have an ambitious goal this month, to go from 4 credit cards to ONE!

Paying off: Target, Orchard Band and Capital Visa. I have a few more returns to knock out this weekend and by nex t Wednesday, the credits should appear. Then it'll be time to gather up all monies I have stuffed under the mattress and get to payin'.

I will have zippo in my savings account, an idea that scares me to the bone, but it's a short term sacrifice for a long term benefit. Ok, I'm out till I see the counselor Monday. A thought that brings a bitter bile to the back of my throat, keeps my tummy in knots, and gives me the dry heaves...

*groan*

Okay, paid all bills to be current except for phone bill. Their site is down. And hey, if they dont' want my money, I'm not gonna force it on them ;)

So just Bellsouth and I'll be current in my bills. I gotta see if Orchard will credit back the overlimit charge as they promised not to charge it and then I've got to make my budget.

10 mins later...

Even BETTER, just called Orchard and they will WAIVE the over the limit fee as a courtesy. WHOO HOOO $29.00 back in the bank of Renee.

Okay off to set up money plugging in my paycheck and seeing if I can make a budget without curling up into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. *whimper*

2 hours later...

Ok...THIS is why I need a budget, Bellsouth is current. And I was fretting and stressing. Not majorly, but still. So as of this afternoon, all Household bills are current. Next up is the budget, got a copy of my paycheck in hand and about to plug it all into MS Money.

Joy!