To be 100% DEBT FREE by January 1st 2013.

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New year, new start and all that good stuff. I spent this week doing the hard work and by hard I mean taking pen to paper and reflecting on my finances for the last 3 months. There is no easy way to say this but, I blew it. Big time. I let my spending get out of control and deluding myself into paying off credit cards in full each month only caused me to spend more. I fell into a funk, other factors involved and just ignored my money problems and whipped out whatever card I could find first. I ended up having 3 ISFs to wachovia, due to not caring missing a due date and slapped w/a late fee and misc bank fees for ATMs usage not @ my home bank.

I've kicked my on ass so many times I'm now wearing it in front of me.

So now what?

First thing I did was get 4 books on money and debt @ various stages. Due to wachovia only seeing fit to refund me $51 of the $101, despite the fact in the 11+ years I have had the account, formerly w/SouthTrust, I did not have ISFs, I have decided to take my business elsewhere, ING Direct. The added benefit is that they pay me interest and offer me free overdraft protection, just in case.

I've been reading the first book, not quite following it to a tee, I'm too chicken shit to see my credit report right now, but I get mobilized.

Thursday, my first evening off in almost 2 full months, I printed all my statements from the last 3 months, banking and credit, and before I got online and aloofly plugged them into MS Money, I got a out my notebook, gave each category a page and plugged in my spending patterns. It was sobering and humbling.

It took me about a day to absorb, truly absorb how much I bring home, not including Jobs # 2 & 3, and how much I spend and to really see how I've been financing my lifestyle w/credit.

Then I took the categories and broke them out into 4 blocks. First bills, the ones I must pay or else, basically food, shelter, utilities, car and my loans and taxes.

Then secondary then third then 4th. When I broke out my spending and what I take in, I barely have enough money to cover my First bills, I have no idea how I managed to spend so much on secondary thru fourth-ary, expenses, yet I did. And that made me ashamed and queasy.

Today, my first full afternoon off in almost 2 months, I don't head into work till 7, I cleaned my room, cleaned out my purse, took all the credit cards out of my wallet and put them up, threw away the overtaxed wallet that is freakishly loose with only 2 bankcards and my DL and finally came online to update my wachovia acct, which hadn't been balanced since the end of Oct I think.

Now all my accounts are current and bills are paid. In the last week I also got a plain monthly calendar, for me to note when which bill is due, I plug them in 3 days early, since working so much I don't have much leisure time and ended up paying my capital one visa the day after it was due. When I went into wachovia to ask for a courtesy refund, I also got a blank check register to log my spending, which'll be used for my ING account, and I got a notebook to jot down my financial plans, like which bank account will be my emergency fund savings and which will be my long term.

I still don't feel good about my situation, I know I've taken steps in the right direction and can't change the past, but I still feel foolish about doing so good for the last year and now this. Then again, I was in denial about my tax bill for so long, I was only sorta doing goods so perhaps this is for the best.

As I stated in my first line of the year, I resolve to be 100% debt free in 5 years or less. In my head I think I'm about 50k in debt, including taxes, still havne't gotten the state ones back so it's a guesstimate. My financial goal is to pay off 10k in debt each year, divide by 12 you get the monthly amount, but I'll let that stay fluid since some months I'll be able to pay more and others I'll pay less.

I committ to putting @ least $500/mo to my current debt, as I pay the minimum on the rest and if I make over $500 that month, all excess will go towards it till it's paid in full and I roll over it's minimum payment + $500 to the next smallest debt and so on and so on the snowball goes.

More later this week, I want to catch 40 winks before I head out to work.

I should've known better than to balance my finances right before bed. My mind is reeling. I avoided even looking @ my money from about the end of Oct till today and totally up all I spent, on what I spent has me feeling so queasy, so embarrased, so dejected. I am tired, but not even sleepy.

I half caught myself thinking I should've went into Job #2 and worked the over night shift from 11pm to 6am after all and it hits me, the desire to call out sick today, from both jobs, I am in no position to do that right now or any time soon. The grueling nature of both jobs, the tiny amount of pay, the extreme hours, I can't even bring myself to count, I think I'll faint @ the reality, I am so screwed right now, if I wasn't so weary, I'd likely be crying.

As hopeless and low as I'm feeling right now, I have no intention to turning to my credit cards or wanton spending to cheer myself, or exorbitant eating out, b/c the 2 months of denial has not only gotten me way deeper in debt, I've also gained so much weight, the goddamn clothes I spent a fortune on don't fit. On a happier note, I also spent the last week of November returning stuff like mad and tried to keep the frame of mind that, if I didn't wear it, can't describe it, I won't miss it and I actually don't. Well I do miss one jacket that was really cute, but I'm glad it's gone.

In the bit of down time I do have, when I'm not napping between jobs, I've taken to walkign w/a notebook and just putting my overall plans to paper while they are fresh in my head. Also, when I got around to opening email to this account, I have some good things on the horizon, so while I could kick myself for being out of comission, I do have some things in the works.

Being that I have to get up in a few hours for the main 9-5, the following paragraphs will be really random.

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To sum up how I'm working. I do the M-F 9-5. Thurs to Sat, I do 5-midnight & Sun 8am to 3 @ Job #2, a retail gig. The last few weeks I've averaged about 20 hours working 3 of the 4 days. There is a chance as we get closer to Xmas, I may max out @ the entire 4, I don't even want to know how many hours that is. Then Sun to Wed I work 5-10:15 @ Job #3, more food related, you can say I'm an order taker/preparer, but I never touch food ;) It's not fast food, it's actually an online food biz and I process orders. I like it most b/c the hours, on a good night I'm by 10:15, 10:30 the latest, which give me plenty of time to unwind and get to bed @ a decent hour and even watch an hour or so of a Netflix movie.

It's a strenous job, on my feet the entire shift, no formal break, I eat when it's slow and it can get hectic like tonight. I was told we processed, faxed/called in about 100 order in a little over an hour.

So that's my week, w/that job I work about 24 hours and what I like is my shift is my shift. W/job #2 the hours vary, not exactly set schedule and w/so many other people, or shall I say slacker, I'm always frustrated that people just won't do their job. On the plus, b/c I worked @ that store before and w/that company even before that, I got more than the usual "seasonal starting wage", I got my old rate.

The down is that I also spent a LOT of time and money shopping in the early days, I've been there over a month now, just got my 3rd check. But like I said earlier, I returned so much stuff it's not even funny. Put it like this, @ one point in November, my rewards card w/the store had me @ over 2k in points, I was pretty close to my limit as well. By last week, w/o even making a single payment, my points were down to $200 and I owed about $25. I almost made it a game of all the things I could return, a way to cheer myself up so I wouldn't feel so deprived I guess.

Now Job #3 has it's own perks, we have an "account" and can basically order whatever we want, @ a discount, but it comes out our check. I just told the mgr today, I've got to stop snacking so much, I mostly do b/c I don't get a break and spend 5 hours discussing all sorts of food in varying kinds, from sushi to mexican to steak and dammned loaded potatoes, I just break down.

Plus @ the house of remodeling hell, we still have no kitchen so I eat on the run when I can, and the mini fridge has been full w/o any of my own stuff. The ordering in will also change this week.

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How long can I keep this up? What about school?

Well I still haven't heard back yay or nay from the school I applied to, they keep aps open for a year so even if it's late Spring/Summer vs. the start of '08, I'll be happy. Actually I plan to use that Sat AM/Afternoon I have free to take @ least one class and / or go online.

Given the choice, as crazy hectic as it is, I do like the variety. I hate retail more, it's just such a burned out beast, but 4 days @ one place, gives me enough time away my first day back I have a vague memory of the place, plus holiday time makes the night go quick and after Xmas, we go back to the sane closing time of 9pm, being out by 11pm, home by 11:30.

Job #3 pays crap, but after I've been there 30 days, they see my work ethic yada yada, I'm going to press for more money. Will I be wiling to walk away if not? I might.

The one thing I haven't done is mixed my monies. Job #2 goes to a diff't checking account and #3, until direct deposit kicks in, haven't even been cashed yet, but will also go that that checking account.

The other cool perk, I guess, is that I get paid every week. Actually, that' really is the saving grace. Job #2 is every other Wed, Job #3 is ever other Friday. But like I mentioned earlier, I am so freaking busy, I see the money in the acct, but haven't had time to start up my next debt snowball.

Back to school though. over the weekend I caught the documentary Maxed Out and one of the segments had a woman call Dave Ramsey and in debt he made a comment like, get a (nother) job, forget about school for now and pay off that bill.

Realistically I am not going to put off going back to school till all my debt is paid off b/c I'll be a li'l ole lady by that point, or not. But I am willing to push back my start date b/c 1) after the holidays, Job #2's hours will cut back, even if they keep me on and make me officially part time and while I'm running on adrenaline now and am hopped up on coca cola and iced coffees, @ some point I will be on fumes and I may just use the entire month of Jan to hibernate and catch up on sleep.

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The ultimate irony of course, is that up till I started the 2 gigs, I had a pretty sizeable chunk o' change from online and for some odd reason that has gone done considerably. Matter of fact, when I get my energy and wits about me, I'm going to check to see if the extra money I make p/t is the same I'd been making online, wouldn't that be a lovely kick in the tuckus?

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As far as my debt, tonight I got all my credit cards and bank accounts, except for wachovia, balanced and current. There are new minimum payments to be made, and by new I mean WAY MORE, so I'll have to figure that out again, my primary goal for working these two jobs was to net an extra $500/mo to pay off my debt. My main checking account from my 9-5 goes to pay my expenses as normal and my 2nd checking account gets all the deposits and the first of the following month, I make a $500 GET OUT OF DEBT payment to the first victim of my debt snowball. @ this point I don't even know who gets it, so the money is still in my account.

What if I make more than I planned? as I did last month? I dunno yet, I'm tempted to let it sit there to cover the month I may be short a bit, but I really don't know just yet.

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Taxes, that too is holding me back. As of sometime last week, or maybe the week before, my fed taxes are PAID IN FULL and I HATE to think how much extra I paid both in fees and penalties for dragging it out so long and in futre interest for putting it on my credit card, but I just couldn't take the letters and while my EA was going to present me as an "uncollectible" I just wanted the drama over.

NOw the state taxes are still pending, we got that return out last Friday, he said it'll take about 30 days for me to get current in the system and he can see what I owe. So another kick, this time in the teeth is, say I pay off one of my credit cards, I may very well have to put all that tax debt back on it, but I'll worry about that stress when it hits.

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So this weekend I was tempted to call out. I worked Fri till midnite, was actually off Thurs afternoon which I now cherish my days off, I just want to veg and actually enjoy my room and my cats, I got a new kitten last month. I went in @ 7-midnight Sat, after I spent the first 1/2 of the day actually putting up curtains and rearranging the room so I could actually get to the computer easily, hence me posting twice in day and reading email.

And Saturday AM/Afternoon is truly the only day I don't officially work a "double" Thursday was an unscheduled day, but again as we get close to Xmas, and I volunteer for more shifts, I could very well work all week.

And the store was a huge mess on Saturday, I'd love to rant about how customers tear up retail stores and whatnot, but why bother. So we worked our tails off, and by we and really mean this other girl I really like that works hard, we teamed up and both of us closed out 4 shops. I got home @ midnight, keyed up, talked to my mom for a bit, I think I watched a movie then tossed and turned till 2, b/c I had to be back @ work for 8 AM and work Job #3 later.

Oh how tempted I was to call in sick, I laid there and figured what'll I really make, when is my next day off, I really want to finish my room, do some laundry, go grocery shopping so I can stop eating out, update my blgos, sell some stuff online, read my email, freaking sleep, but part of my was like, you are almost 50k in debt (this was before balancing MS Money) you spent money like you were a socialite, you've been eating out every day, and the hard truth is, I am in no position to take the day off.

Don't get me wrong, I won't work myself till i drop, @ least I hope not, which is why I hate telling people offline my jobs, they start gasping and making all these negative remarks whereas right now I am super focused and need supportive, get it done feed back. But anyway I just felt like I did before, in a few weeks, I wont remember how much the day hurt, especially when I get the check, the last check from Job #2 was a little over $300 and I am pretty sure I bitched and moaned and someone pissed me off but seeing that money for the least hours I worked did my heart good.

And the next two week si the only time I can make the hours I make, in January on, I'll be lucky if I get 2 shifts/10 hours a week and even w/that I can make about $250/mo and pull the other 1/2 of my $500 goal from Job #3 and have more days off to boot.

So I guess all that to say, I can sleep in January.

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This may be the last point/update/stream of thought, It's funny, when I drive in, I see the lotto sign climbing each week, over 100 mil and as much as I wish I could just win it, but am too lazy to make it into a gas station and buy a ticket, part of working so much is just my way, like if I had that much dough, for sure all my debts would vanish, but what would I do w/my day, what would my purpose be? I guess I've spent so much of my adult/working life in debt, paying debt, dealing w/debt, it's just who I am. Right now I am working to pay it off and perhaps, just perhaps, I got too close, I sabatoged myself, so I'd have something to "do" w/myself and now I work as much to keep busy, as a punishment too if truth be told, but also b/c it just feels right, in some twisted way.

I don't want to do it, I pretty much hate doing it, I've resigned myself to doing it, yet, I feel I can't not do it either. It's weird, I'll keep thinking it throught, but now it's quarter after 2 and I hope the mocha frap has finally worn off.

Yesterday, after months of being in denial and avoiding the inevitable, I finally made the call to get someone to help me out w/the IRS. Can I just say, once I spoke to someone and didn't feel judged or insulted or any worse than I had been feeling over the weekend, I felt as if a dark cloud was removed from my being.

Now this isn't "free" help, but w/how bad things had gotten, plus my permanent paralysis of even trying to talk to an agent on the phone or in an office, fears of being led away in handcuffs haunted me, it's worth both the financial price and the peace @ mind price.

The first step, we did yesterday, was info gathering and authorizing them to speak on my behalf. I also got around to sending the W2s and today I hunt for some 1099's. I also contacted a few old employers to have them send that info out to me as well.

I guess now that I'm being proactive I can be more current in discussing what's going on every step of the way. What led me to this edge of cliff moment, is still to painful to get into and I need to know what the finally tally on this'll cost before I get into more details.

For now, I feel ok. I'll be back later w/news of my next big financial fitness challenge...

I was going to start this post off getting into why I've avoided updating MS Money (not to mention this site) by saying, I don't know why I constantly procrastinate doing this, but... and realized I'd be starting this post off w/a lie. I do know why. I'm freaking scared.

Scared to accept the amount of debt I'm in. Scared to accept that even though I've made great strides, I *may* be living above my means, am living paycheck to paycheck and the thought of opening some mail makes me want to puke. Scared to see how much money I've frittered away in the last 2 months under the guise of being stressed about life in general.

This month I started taking a tax course a few nights a week. That and seeing my yearly income in black and white numbers, I've had a few increases in the last few years but never kept track of how much I was really making, all made me think tonight.

Driving home from class, I realized, I'm too freaking old to be dicking around like this much longer. I'm tired of the dread. I'm tired of reacting vs. being proactive. I'm tired of being scared, feeling broke and not using control.

In class I did a quickie sketch of how much I make. How much taxes I pay. How much I'd make minus 30% and all my major bills. It doesn't look good. And perhaps that's what I'm avoiding. Deep down I HATE feeling like I can't have what I want and I know exactly where that comes from, feeling deprived as a child, and all these years, all this debt is me over compensating and it's hurting me in the pocket as well as in the heart.

Going forward, that is going to be one of my biggest changes. Growing up and being an adult about my finances. NO one else is going to do it for me. NO one else has my best interests @ heart.

So here goes. I start tonight by opening up MS Money and getting it current for the first time since 5/31/07.

Yea, this topic warranted it's own new category ::rolls eyes::

Funny how fast things change. 24 hours ago, I felt like I was on the cusp of being homeless by the end of the month, now it feels like, though things are moving extremely slowly, it may all work out after all.

I'll briefly get into why housing has been stressing me out and for the next few posts, I'll put words to my other two stresses, job & taxes. But first housing.

Ok, so I along w/my mom, have been house hunting for a few months now. About 6 weeks ago, we found one. Seemingly perfect, price/area/commute. Except it's taking forever to close. Bank is moving slowly, realtor drama, expensive for my mother to travel back and forth to complete the sale, the selling of her own house and now my current lease is set to expire.

Well, over the weekend, it seeemed like my mother was ready to walk away from the deal, except she wasn't saying it clearly enough. I had just turned in my 30 day notice to vacate and the prospect of finding and apartment, while dealing w/the other 2 stresses mind you, was just too much.

Finally I just toughened up and pulled up craigslist, found 4 potentials, all available now, in my price range, match my commute. The bad part is I'd end up paying double for rent, but it'd be worth my peace of mind. Plus I wouldn't have to cram and move at the end of the month, I'd take my time and use each weekend this month to move out.

I call my mom to give her the news, my thinknig as, if this sale doesn't go through, let's just forget it for a year, I couldn't go through the house hunting game again, to many highs and lows, I just wanted time to regroup, plus getting a bigger place than I'm @ now, will allow my mom to visit w/o staying in a hotel, for as long as she wanted.

The shortest lease I could find, that met my criteriea, was for 6 months. When I tell her, she gets mad. There's more behind the scenes to this, like her not calling the bank to check on things b/c she herself was getting disgusted w/the process.

Well, now I'm mad. So we are tensely talking back and forth, she's telling me if I get a 6 month lease, forget the house altogether, which of couse makes me feel guilty. I'm like, I don't know what to say, do you want me to live in a car for a few weeks? Any place that rents week to week is in a scuzzy part of town. Even if I went to the extended stay hotel she uses, it's $200/week. If the close and repairs last over 3 weeks, I'm screwed.

Anyway, more to the drama and since it's about resolved, it's faded, but let me get to the bottom line.

Since my current lease is really up August 15th, I'm just eager to leave and have been pumping July 30th in my head since the first large waterbug crawled across the floor last September, I'm going to approach my landlady and ask her to let me stay 2 more weeks.

The house closing is @ the end of the month, the realtor finally called and said nothng changed, which we take to me, everythign is still on track. The contractor said the work should take 2 weeks, and the major work is one week, meaning once get gets that done, which is repair roof and remove mold, I can live there while he does the other stuff.

So that leaves me feeling a little less stressed. That and finding the rentals. We also have a drop dead date, meaning if things w/the house don't work out, @ that time, I can start looking for a place. Which means I'm not paying overlapping rent. Now I will be in competition w/students looking for hosueing, my price/area of the city, but I'll worry about that stress when I get to it.

Ok, next post: job worries. (sorry for typos and grammar, I'm in no mood to edit, and in order for me to tell the story, I have to write from my heart, not head)

Looks like the chickens are coming home to roost. @ some point this week, I need to deal with the Scary Debt I never discussed in detail, just vaguely alluded to (here, here & here).

Scary Debt has thrown a monkey wrench in my plans to have paid off my car loan in full by May...hence no update...right now I need to regroup and play w/some numbers. Once I get a better handle on things, I'll post a bit of background, though for some obvious reasons I can't spell out all that happened to cause this.

I'll leave this hint of what it is...there are only two guarantees in life, death and...

Yea...that one.

:(

Earlier this week, I finally got around to balancing up all my accounts. Whenever I put it off for a few weeks, I dred doing it, but when I get it done, I feel such a hunk of relief and in more control. Not sure why I end up stalling, well yea I do know, it's when I get a bit spend happy, then I don't want to know anything.

So I'm going to make this a weekly routine. At the end of each week, either Friday evening or Saturday morning, this way I don't get carried away on the weekend, I'm going into all my accounts and settling up where I'm at.

Admittedly, I strayed a bit from the debt pay down in the last month or so. It's just hard for me sometimes. And it's a mental thing. I'm so freaking used to owing someone something, when the credit cards got paid off, I felt a bit lost. I'll get to where I need to be, but it'll take as much time for me to be out of debt, as I was in debt, to help my mentality change a bit. I hope.

I'm still on track to make my next big payoff, but when I look @ what I squandered in frivolous stuff, I could kick myself b/c I'd be that much further ahead or @ least wouldn't have to deplete everything to make it happen.

My struggle is trying not to feel deprived when I sacrifice. Easier said than done. I'm also used to doing w/o so sometimes when I get in a spendy mood, it's like something bottled up gets released and I can't make myself stop.

Now...compared to the Renee from 5 years ago, I am MUCH better. For one I either spend cash OR if I use a credit card, I pay it off in full by months end, no matter how tempting it is to let it slide for a few months.

But still, I don't want to be that person. I want even more self control and b/c I feel so deprived, it's such an ingrained feeling, I can't trust myself not to spend. I can trick myself and leave everything @ home save for $20 in cash, just in case, but that won't help either. I'll just have a mental note of all the things I wanted to buy and get them all the next time I walk w/my card.

This has all be weighing heavily on my mind and is something I want to work on now, while I'm moving to the next level of debt payoff...or else I really fear when I'm debt free, I'll go bonkers nutzo and enroll in like 10 more colleges and charge back up all my credit cards. The fear is real.

So to work on that, starting Sunday April 15th, I'm embarking on a personal financial challenge. It'll run for 30 days, then I'll take a week to reflect, then I'll "graduate" to a stricter challenge.

The first challenge will be to track my spending wants vs. needs. Every day I'll log how much I spent, on what, and whether it was something I needed (gas for the car) or wanted (a bottle of water vs. using an existing bottle and filling it up).

It'll be interesting b/c I don't feel like I spend a lot of money on frivolous things, but obviously I do. If anything, I know I spend a lot of money on food, whether it's grocery shopping or eating out.

The next challenge will be to not spend any money outside of wants.

I haven't posted here in a while due to the move, things went from promising, to pretty ok, to very bad to downright horrible.

I'm tired of running and hiding, I am making an appt w/cccs for help on dealing w/my larger debt...it's starting to impact my physical well being, I can't sleep, eat, I'm having bad dreams, my stomach is always in knots, I have constant tension headaches and overall I'm just tired.

Sure this will ruin my credit for another 10+ years, but I don't even care anymore. I just want it over and done with already.

More later...

Just tried to make a phone call, verizon is forwarding me to customer service. *sigh* I knew paying one month later would catch up with me sooner or later. Today's the day. I'll get current on them this Friday. I'll pay it online, I'm sure I'm screwed w/fees and stuff. Speaking of fees, Orchard has charged me though the girl I spoke to on Saturday said they wouldn't. So I'm back to being over the limit and I can't FREAKING call the to settle.

Yea this week sucks big time, feel like my check is already gone. And it's starting to depress me. I'm so behind but I'm going to keep moving forward and face this. This too shall pass.

I'm just overwhelmed w/it all and scared outta my wits. A very familiar place and situation for me. On the bright side, this afternoon, I sat down and made list after list of all the things I need to do and have been avoiding. Some pretty expensive stuff and of course I don't see the money coming in to cover it so it's stressing me.

I'm going to tackle this one day @ a time, pay verizon and the gas bill in two more days isn't the end of the world.

This weekend I am going to make my budget, I have three priorities. #1 get current on ALL past due bills, #2 start saving $10 a pay check, my goal is to sock away $1000 emergency funds. And #3, make a budget so I can see what's coming in vs. what is going out.

Maybe I should reorder this.
#1 - Make Budget
#2 - Save $10 per check (goal is $1000 socked away a year from this week)
#3 - Get current on all bills.

Not exactly how I wanted to kick off this site, but I can't think str8 until I get this stuff outta my head. The site is done, now it's time to get to work.

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

This too will pass.

It's easy for me to get overwhelmed @ the big picture. Where do I start, what do I do first. I'm trying not to freak out and let it paralyze me, so I'm going to approach this one debt @ a time, one bill @ a time, one dollar @ a time.

First up, I need to get current on all my bills. This week I'll find out and post who and how much I owe. After I get those debts current, and keep them current, I'll tackle my credit cards. When credit cards are paid up, I'm moving on to my car loan and when that bad boy is done, the monster of all debts, my student loans.

Along the way I'm going to create and stick to a budget, and in addition to getting a 2nd job, find creative ways to earn extra money. Things like selling on eBay, making extra money via any amazon sales, selling unworn clothing to consignment shops, donations from kindly souls and other ways of generating loot. Legally of course ;)